How To Be a Trans Ally
Trans allyship is more than memorizing names and pronouns; it is about creating an inclusive future where everyone belongs.
Allyship is a verb, not an identity or state of being. Being an ally is more than simply being accepting or tolerant. It is not a one-time effort, but an active process involving introspection, openness, and conscious effort. Allies are individuals who actively support and stand with marginalized communities, playing an important role in combating the unique stressors faced by these groups. Minority stress refers to the unique set of adversities faced by marginalized or stigmatized groups, including identity invalidation, social and family rejection, and discrimination. The impact of minority stress is profound and is associated with increased risk of anxiety, depression, and suicidal ideation in transgender and non-binary individuals.
Transgender and non-binary adolescents and adults report significantly higher rates of suicidal ideation and attempts; in 2022, almost 20% of trans youth attempted suicide and more than half had seriously considered suicide. Social acceptance and gender affirmation have been shown to serve as significant protective factors for the mental health of transgender individuals. Allies play a crucial role in creating a more inclusive, affirming environment and actively challenging discrimination. Whether you're new to this or looking to improve your support, this guide will help you understand what it means to be a trans ally and how to put that understanding into practice. Let's get started.
Understanding the Basics
First, let's go over some definitions. Please note that this is not an exhaustive list of terms or concepts related to gender identity; rather, these terms are provided for the purposes of this guide.
Assigned Female at Birth (AFAB): A person who was assigned female at birth, assumed to grow up as a 'girl'/'woman.'
Assigned Male at Birth (AMAB): A person who was assigned male at birth, assumed to grow up as a 'boy'/'man.'
Cisgender: A term used to describe a person whose gender identity aligns with the social expectations of the sex they were assigned at birth. A person who is not transgender, sometimes shortened to 'cis.'
Gender Identity: An individual's internal sense of what gender they are. A person's gender identity may or may not align with the sex they were assigned at birth; it is not visible to others.
Non-binary: A term to describe a gender identity that does not fit neatly into the two binary categories of 'man' or 'woman.'
Sex Assigned at Birth: The sex a person is assigned when they are born based on their genitalia, chromosomes, and other physical characteristics.
Sexual orientation: Describes who a person is sexually attracted to. Note that this is not the same as gender identity. It is important to understand that you should not assume a person's sexual orientation based on their gender identity.
Transgender: An umbrella term to describe a person whose gender identity or expression differs from the social expectations of the sex they were assigned at birth. Sometimes shortened to trans or trans*.
Transgender man: A man who was assigned female at birth.
Transgender woman: A woman who was assigned male at birth.
Practical Steps to Being a Trans Ally
Offer your pronouns when you introduce yourself. "Hi, I'm Ginny. I use she/her pronouns." If you're unsure of a person's pronouns, you may use neutral pronouns (they/them). It is okay to ask a person their pronouns, but it's best to do so privately. If you know someone who goes by a different name than their legal name or what you previously knew them by, make a conscious effort to affirm their new name.
Educate yourself on gender. Memorizing names and pronouns is not enough. You'll need to go beyond learning definitions; challenge yourself to explore and re-conceptualize your ideas about gender. This is an ongoing process that requires openness and a willingness to learn about groups or cultures that you don't belong to. Being cisgender comes with a set of advantages (privilege) that you've likely taken for granted and never even questioned. Take it upon yourself to learn about gender, and don't place the mental load on a trans person to educate you.
Avoid making assumptions. Educating yourself will help with this. Don’t assume you can tell if a person is transgender or non-binary based on their appearance; they do not look a certain way and they may or may not choose to change their appearance. Avoid making assumptions about a person’s sexual orientation (who they are sexually attracted to) based on their gender identity (who they are inside).
Don't ask a trans person about their genitals or how they have sex. Just as you would not ask a cisgender person about their genitals, it is not appropriate to ask a trans person about theirs. Don't ask about their body parts or surgery history; this is a personal choice that differs for each person for many reasons, and if they want you to know, they will bring it up. Understand that not every trans person desires hormones or surgery, and this does not make them any less trans.
Ask yourself if you would say that to a cisgender person before complimenting a transgender person. Transgender people sometimes experience minority stress even in the compliments they receive. Telling a transgender person how well they 'pass' or that you couldn't even tell they were transgender are not compliments but instead perpetuate stereotyping and further reinforce the act of 'othering.' Don't tell a trans person that they look like a 'real' man/woman. Instead, continue to educate yourself on gender and understanding that they are real, authentic men and women. Don't offer advice or suggestions on how they could change their appearance to look more masculine, feminine, etc.
Set a tone of inclusion where you can to encourage a cultural shift of acceptance. Social acceptance and inclusion serve as significant protective factors in the mental health of trans people. In professional workspaces you can normalize the practice of sharing pronouns in meetings, conversation, in your email signature, or displayed visibly on your desk space. Speak up to correct others if they misgender someone, even if the misgendered person isn’t present.
What if I mess up?
I'm going to be honest with you: you're going to mess up, but don't let the fear of making a mistake prevent you from being an active ally. Instead of avoiding using someone's name or pronouns altogether, let's talk about how to minimize harm and handle mistakes when you make them.
Resist the urge to apologize profusely to a trans person if you accidentally misgender them. Apologizing excessively can put the other person in a position where they may feel obligated to soothe you, minimize their feelings, or tell you it's okay. Avoid putting a transgender person in a position in which they have to make you feel okay for misgendering them. Hopefully, you notice your mistake in the moment, and you can then acknowledge your mistake, correct it, and move on with the conversation without making a big deal out of it. If someone else (the misgendered person or someone else) corrects you; thank them, correct your mistake out loud, and continue the conversation.
If you don't realize you've misgendered someone until after the fact, you can apologize briefly in private and show through your actions that you are working on it: An apology needs to be for their benefit, not to make you feel better. Avoid defensiveness or making excuses ("I'm trying, but this is really hard," etc.)
Here are some examples of how to handle your mistakes in different contexts:
"Hey (affirmed name), I realized after our conversation the other day that I called you the wrong name. I'm sorry about that. That's my mistake, and it won't happen again."
"I ran into Sam—I mean Sally—at the event. She told me about her recent trip."
"Hey Alex, I meant to ask you—Alice, I'm sorry—about your new project."
"Thank you for correcting me; I really want to get their pronouns right."
Hopefully by now, this guide has given you some new insights on how to strengthen your allyship to the trans community. Transgender people have always existed and it’s up to allies to actively promote a cultural shift towards acceptance and inclusivity. Remember, allyship is an ongoing and active process that depends on our collective efforts to foster a future where the trans community is celebrated for their authenticity.